A sad country heart.

For the last couple of months I have been quiet.  Silent Sundays have given my blog a little life, but in truth I have been struggling to write, to know what to say or how to say it, or whether indeed I should say anything at all.  I have however found so much friendship on this site, and your support has always been so kind, so in light of that I guess what I need to say is this  ‘Ive been hurting!’

For those of you who follow my blog you will know that after a lot of years of being a single mum to my 4 children, and carer to Simon, I moved to the Peak District  to live with My partner who I have in many previous posts affectionately referred to as the L.O.T.M (Lord of the Manor).  Sadly, due to a mixture of circumstances over the last couple of months the weaknesses in our relationship became clearer, and instead of coming out stronger we have had to admit defeat.

When we moved in together I really felt that it was my long term future and we have had some special times, but there has also been an underlying discontent. I guess under pressure it just became more evident that things weren’t going to last.

My heart is heavy and tears come and go.  Im not good at hiding how I feel, and I know that its all part of the healing journey, so when I need to let the tears roll I do.  Thankfully I have a very precious Simon willing to hug his mum whenever she needs it, and some lovely friends who would hug me if only they were able.  Its times like these that we realize how precious those hugs are and the lack of them is grim.

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I have absolutely loved living in the Peak District and I would never regret the past 15 months or the past 4 years of my relationship, even if it hasnt turned out as expected.

It is wild up here, and that wildness has awoken in me a real love of the countryside and landscape that make the Peak District such a beautiful and exhilerating place to be. However many times I see a kestrel hovering above me waiting to swoop on its prey,  I am filled with awe, and cant help but stop the car to watch the spectacle unfolding before me. Rescuing escapee cows or sheep that have found a way out of their field but can’t find their way back, has been so much fun, and waking up to find a peacock in your front garden was something I will never forget.  I thought at first that they maybe roamed free up here until I realized it belonged to a local farmer.  Simon was even lucky enough to see a deer walking past the cottage, something I will always wish I had witnessed, but also so glad that he did.

Returning to the Peaks after visiting family I go up a steep hill in the car.  As I reach the top I inhale a deep breath as I take in the magnificent sight that unfurls before me.  Endless miles of green rolling fields and hills and I love them, they have become part of me.

I hope that I will be able to find somewhere to live not too far away, so I can continue to enjoy what I have come to love.  Long country walks with Jess are definitely on the agenda as I give myself time to adjust to another new phase in my life.  Time to reflect and breathe, and time for my heart to heal.

One of my first posts on my blog was about my dream and for a while I was living that dream, but then I woke up and realized I just couldnt go back to sleep but had to face what was before me.

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In the last year I have grown a country heart and although it might be a bit of a sad one at the moment it will recover, and wherever I go from here it will always be with me, and for that I will always be grateful.

 

Virtual hugs gratefully received.

Love Alison x

 

 

 

12 thoughts on “A sad country heart.

    1. Thankyou for your encouragement Lisa, I really appreciate your positive words. Im taking a day at a time at the moment and just taking everything step by step. Life is strange enough for us all at the moment without an emotional upheaval but I know it will come right in the end. I hope you are keeping well x

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  1. Alison, I am so very sorry things are so sad for you, it must have been difficult to share your story. I know we only know each other virtually, but I think of you as a friend and feel your sadness and loss. I understand your feeling of the country, I moved here to the country in Arizona two and half years ago and feel like this is right where I should be. I will keep you in my heart with hope that you heal soon and that you can find a place to live that isn’t far from the beautiful place you’ve come to love. Hugs xoxo

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    1. Thankyou Laura, It was difficult and I sat on it for quite a while but I know how I have built attatcments to the writers on here and although it is virtual our friendships are also very valuable. I was touched by your last post although I havent had time to comment on it yet. At the moment I am back in the city with Simon and settling him back into his life whilst trying to sort out my own. Hopefully it will all work out well and I will have new stories to tell. Leaving such a beautiful place however and a relationship is a lot to cope with and I just need time to carry me along for a while.

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  2. A courageous sharing of your heart has touched my heart. I am sorry. Nothing can be rushed in this healing process, huh? It has its own timetable. I think you will take that Country Heart with you wherever you go. Will be thinking of you and your family. Alison, you honored all your readers and friends with this blog posts. Thank you.

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    1. Thankyou Gary. Its been sitting there for a while. Writing it was cathartic but i think that posting it felt like a bit of a release too. Thankyou for your kindness and support. The song ‘One day at a time sweet Jesus” keeps going round in my head and although a little confused as to where its come from I definitely think its a good way forward and probably the best way.

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      1. I know it had to be very difficult and conflicting to write and post, but I often find something liberating about just saying “Hey look at me. I am a human being just like you.” And, yes I often find I start feeling the presence of our Lord, when needed the most, at my most vulnerable moments. Keep on keeping on, as they say!

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  3. Hi Allison,
    I’m so sorry to hear about your sad heart and what you’re going through. But I feel like I know you even if it’s from behind a screen. And what I know is that you possess strength many would love to hold; maybe it’s fortitude that you’re unaware of. I know you’ll be fine, but cliche as it sounds, it’s all in the timing. Your heart, though country eternally, won’t be sad forever. It will feel joy, love, and excitement again. I knew something was going on and I’m honored that you shared your story. I’m sure writing it felt cathartic, too. I’ll be thinking of you and I’ll look forward to reading about the new exciting chapter to come. Sending many virtual hugs, my friend. xo

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    1. Thankyou Lauren. Isnt it amazing how connected we can feel even though it is only a virtual friendship. I really appreciate your love and support and kind words. Im not sure I’m feeling strong but somehow I am getting through each day and beginning to make some steps towards a new beginning. All a bit scary at the moment if Im honest but it will unravel in time . So easy to want to rush things but I know I just need to let life carry me forward for now. xx

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  4. Sorry to hear the trouble you’re going through, Alison. Must be doubly hard especially in these weird times we are having. Sometimes it’s better when a new door opens. I find the hardest thing is making a decision but when the decision is made its kind of freeing. Good luck to you no matter where you land. Trust something will come up that keeps you close to the Peak District. I enjoyed your sharing of the photographs of the area and can easily see how you will miss the area if you leave. I will be holding you in my thoughts and praying that you will find your promised land. Hope you will keep posting as I can see by the comments that you have many friends who care about you and wish you well. Good luck with whatever the future holds.

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    1. Thankyou so much Len for your kind words. I think you are right that its making the decision that is the hardest part and sticking with it, believing that you are doing the right thing. Im hoping that those photos will continue in time as i need to breath that country air again. Im deeply touched by the comments ive had and feel comforted by the friendships ive made here. Thankyou.🙂

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