For the last couple of months I have been quiet. Silent Sundays have given my blog a little life, but in truth I have been struggling to write, to know what to say or how to say it, or whether indeed I should say anything at all. I have however found so much friendship on this site, and your support has always been so kind, so in light of that I guess what I need to say is this ‘Ive been hurting!’
For those of you who follow my blog you will know that after a lot of years of being a single mum to my 4 children, and carer to Simon, I moved to the Peak District to live with My partner who I have in many previous posts affectionately referred to as the L.O.T.M (Lord of the Manor). Sadly, due to a mixture of circumstances over the last couple of months the weaknesses in our relationship became clearer, and instead of coming out stronger we have had to admit defeat.
When we moved in together I really felt that it was my long term future and we have had some special times, but there has also been an underlying discontent. I guess under pressure it just became more evident that things weren’t going to last.
My heart is heavy and tears come and go. Im not good at hiding how I feel, and I know that its all part of the healing journey, so when I need to let the tears roll I do. Thankfully I have a very precious Simon willing to hug his mum whenever she needs it, and some lovely friends who would hug me if only they were able. Its times like these that we realize how precious those hugs are and the lack of them is grim.
I have absolutely loved living in the Peak District and I would never regret the past 15 months or the past 4 years of my relationship, even if it hasnt turned out as expected.
It is wild up here, and that wildness has awoken in me a real love of the countryside and landscape that make the Peak District such a beautiful and exhilerating place to be. However many times I see a kestrel hovering above me waiting to swoop on its prey, I am filled with awe, and cant help but stop the car to watch the spectacle unfolding before me. Rescuing escapee cows or sheep that have found a way out of their field but can’t find their way back, has been so much fun, and waking up to find a peacock in your front garden was something I will never forget. I thought at first that they maybe roamed free up here until I realized it belonged to a local farmer. Simon was even lucky enough to see a deer walking past the cottage, something I will always wish I had witnessed, but also so glad that he did.
Returning to the Peaks after visiting family I go up a steep hill in the car. As I reach the top I inhale a deep breath as I take in the magnificent sight that unfurls before me. Endless miles of green rolling fields and hills and I love them, they have become part of me.
I hope that I will be able to find somewhere to live not too far away, so I can continue to enjoy what I have come to love. Long country walks with Jess are definitely on the agenda as I give myself time to adjust to another new phase in my life. Time to reflect and breathe, and time for my heart to heal.
One of my first posts on my blog was about my dream and for a while I was living that dream, but then I woke up and realized I just couldnt go back to sleep but had to face what was before me.
In the last year I have grown a country heart and although it might be a bit of a sad one at the moment it will recover, and wherever I go from here it will always be with me, and for that I will always be grateful.
Virtual hugs gratefully received.
Love Alison x